Aham Vyaktam

Its 2 months since am married. The first month was so busy in India and the 2nd month was busy here making our house a home. Life is undoubtedly a fun, with the guy of your life always by your side, you needn’t wait for the weekend to meet him and you needn’t have a gloomy face which you’ll have when he drops you back at your home after a weekend movie. I, as of now, don’t feel I am loaded with additional responsibilities, especially when it comes to cooking. I, with roommates, used to cook daily, unlike the others here who say they cook only once in 2 or 3 days. I just find no difference in responsibilities, its my husband now with me, instead of a roomie.

Yesterday when I received a very late wish for my wedding, the thoughts about my marriage day came to me and it struck me that I haven’t written about it. So here I am making note of what I remember of my marriage for my future reminiscence.

On Sep 2nd, my preparations for the big day started with the usual bride-ish stuffs like facials and mehndi. I was at maama’s home. I thought of ending the day at 10pm and went to bed then, as I had to get up really early the next day. I would have just closed my eyes when they were peeled by the shriek let out by my athai who had just arrived. My sleep was thrown away by an array of hugs and kisses from her. I had to force myself to sleep at 10.30. Then by 11, I heard some mumblings and woke up to see my dad who had just come back home. He had been frantically busy for more than 2 months and I felt really bad to see him returning home at 11, even the night before the wedding. While everybody was praising the sarees dad had bought for the family, I could see nothing other than the figure of my dad struggling with around atleast 12 huge bags of sarees and dhotis in his hand. I felt so totally helpless. We, for whom the native is Erode, had fixed up the wedding in Chennai due to certain factors and we had no clue as to go where for what. Dad shouldered the entire burden solely, with none to help him with the preparations in an unknown city. I wonder from where in the world he got all the energy to arrange everything on his own. For the first time ever in life, I kept aside the iam-glad-am-single-child thought and I felt I should have had a brother, who at this instance would have been a lot helpful. Anyways.
Everybody was telling they should make less noise and should allow me to sleep but kept bellowing about something or the other. I didn’t know when the noises died away and when I fell asleep.

The next morning I was woken up by the singsong voice of my thaatha who was chanting the mantras for vinayagar chaturthi pooja. The information that I got up flew to my paatti and she told Sri, who was ready to go for bath, that she cannot go next and she also told that all the others are to get ready only after I am done. I started to enjoy all the attention and gave Sri, who was already gnashing her teeth at me, a glorious look and headed to get ready.

Maami wrapped me up in a purple saree and I had to wear all the jewels. After the usual namaskarams, we headed in 3 cars towards the mandapam. Through out the way I was cribbing about the itching the jewels were giving me, yet I didn’t wanna remove them as I wanted to stand out as a bride. Had Hari been there, am sure he would have pulled me in for a debate on topic “why do girls choose beauty/fashion over convenience” LOL.

We reached the mandapam. The saastrigal was there to welcome me, chanting some mantras, putting a garland around my neck and I was asked to go inside the mandap, placing my right foot first. I went inside and sat there for a while, when the garland started contributing heavily to the itch. Amma was telling me that she cant listen to my cribs about saree and jewels and that she’s glad the wedding is for a day and a half unlike the usual Brahmin weddings which go for 3 days[Hari wanted a half-a-day marriage but my family was adamant on 3 days, so the wedding was planned for a day and a half after a bit of haggling between both the sides] . I asked the saastrigal if I can remove the garland. He said “none will recognize you to be the bride if you remove it. You are that tiny”. I was so sick of that comment as everybody who saw me since I landed, ebbed me away with it. When I was wishing that the saastrigal should be the last person whom I have to hear that comment from, maami whispered “a lot more to come baby”. It was true. That would be the first time, many of Hari’s relatives would see me and I knew I cant escape from that comment :(

We were waiting for the groom. It started raining. Everybody entered the panic mode worrying that the rain would cause discomfiture when Hari arrives. Their worries multiplied when someone threw a rumor that its gonna rain heavily for 2 days. I was teasing amma that it rains on my wedding since she has the habit of eating raw rice. :)

I was informed that the groom has arrived and was asked to stand at the entrance to greet him and his family. There he came with his geek glasses on [he had told me he would wear it on our wedding and he certainly did], to the horror of my family, to whom he looked much older than he actually is. Did I mention that was the first time my family met him too? May be, he caught the expression of my family right, he had changed to his normal glasses when the rituals started. I then started receiving compliments from my family that we make a nice pair :) I bade a “hi” to his relatives and needless to say that everybody’s talks were punctuated with the irritating comment of how thin I am.

Viratham started 9-ish. Appa was doing all the stuff and the chanting of the mantras seemed soporific to me, since I had only 4 hours of sleep last night. But then, I wanted my photos to be good and was making myself fresh drinking juices and smiling always so that any click from the photographer captures my smile. Finally by 12, the kankanam was tied in my hands and the saastrigal said “I don’t want to see you roaming around. And remember you are not supposed to step out of the mandapam since you have the kankanam now”. I said “okay, can I remove this garland now?” He said “you are keen on it, do it. And I don’t want you asking me if you can remove this kankanam”. I gave him a seething look for making me win the sniggers from my cousins.

That evening was the nichyadhaartham and reception and I got a few minutes to rest. Everybody was telling that the food was sumptuously awesome. I didn’t get a chance to taste it though, due to viratham. Then I started preparing for the nichyadhaartham. We had to have my hair plaited long, of course with the sowri. My hair wasn’t even fit for the initial plaits. I heard my chithi murmuring something about my hair and I turned back and asked what it was with a I’ll-kill-you look. I had promised them that I’ll not cut my hair after engagement till marriage and I lived up to it, apart from the inconveniences it caused. I wasn’t even allowed to trim my hair. But only so much grew and I could do nothing. So I had told them before the day of marriage that if anyone ever opens their mouth to complain about my hair, they are gone. Chithi knew it very well and so she said she was murmuring some slogam and not about my hair. :) They had to do a ponytail and then attach the sowri to it to everybody’s horror of when it would fall off. The nichyadhaartham was just for an hour and I had to be in the dais for less than 20 mins. Thanks Prasanna, I am glad you were there to fulfill the place of a brother and you looked really cute.

Then I had only an hour and a half to get ready for the reception. The next saree and the next set of jewels. I was very relieved since I was allowed to leave my hair free for the reception. I was led to the dais at 7pm and the stage had been very well decorated. Hari was looking great in his suit but within a blink, he took it off, complaining about the sweat. Everybody started marching towards us with gifts. Least did I attempt to register in mind the unknown people when they were introduced. The crowd was so huge and how in the name of heaven will I remember all the names? Fat chance.

The concert by Ravishankar was just awesome. It was supposed to be a keyboard instrumental, but due to power issues, it changed to be a carnatic music concert. He was really good. We weren’t spared even full 10 mins to listen to him as we had to shake hands with people visiting us. It was so nice to see you sing, appa, on my reception. I always wanted atleast one of your songs staged for my wedding and I thank you, you sang two, one of them being my all time favourite and that too, upon my request.

It was great to see you, Sachi after a really long time but you intimidated me by standing beside me for the photo. Of course, the height difference boy. You gave my guy a chance to make fun of me with that photo, as if he’s 6 ft. LOL

Thanks Aadhi for bringing in your friends. It was nice to pose for a photo sandwiched between handsome young guys, being tired of oldies. A special thanks to you, as you dressed up good upon my request, leaving off your usual skull shirt, revolutionist cargo pants and a weird watch. Sorry bud, I am bullying you, but you know we have a hair-racking relationship and I can very well take that privilege. :)

It was great to see you Shenbagam and Satish, after a really really long time, I guess 4 years. I wasn’t surprised to see you put on weight Kullu, but Shen, I was dumbstruck to see you. Stupid, bloody idiot, you were worse than me, remember. I thought both of us cannot cross 40 kgs no matter what. You beat my theory first, you piece of sweet!

We called it a day at 9PM and I went off stage to receive compliments for my make-up.
The next day was the big day and I could hardly sleep. I was a lil restless. I knew I am marrying a guy whom I had known for more than 8 months and I knew I had developed a good rapport with my in-laws and their relatives. But I had to bump into the typical “Indian girl” in me every now and then, and she pushed me to visit the fidgetiness often. Finally I forced myself to sleep.

I woke up on the big day at 3.30AM in the morning, and once again the usual drama of taking head bath, doing bridal make up, blah blah. I felt I was looking good this day, than the previous, which athai justified that the girl attains a tejas when kanyadhaanam happens. Whatever, I was happy I was looking good in my saree which was of my favorite color green.

They said kasi yaathrai was happening then and asked me to go the mandapam entrance for unjal. After my appa, according to the Vedas, had prevented Hari from setting upon Sanyaasam, promising that he would give me to him, the garland exchange, which is typical and the most funful event in Brahmin marriages happened. Hari was so bulkier and I wonder how he was lifted so high by his mama, cousins and who not, I had to throw the garland to his neck. I wasn’t lifted high at all, myself being so skinny. I jeered at my relatives “I want to be lifted high right now, do you guys understand me?” [I was really wishing that the photographer hadn’t captured this reaction of mine]. Then Ravi and chithappa came out of nowhere pronto, and lifted me so high and Hari had hard time reaching me. Yehhhh!!! A smile of victory from me!

Then, Hari was asked to hold my hands for the first time and we were led to the unjal. We would have spent about 40 mins to an hour in unjal, with everybody giving paal-pazham and singing songs. Then we went to the dais and sat. I was given the madisaar. I had to go dress up in 20 mins.

There came the nightmare, not only for me but for everybody that how would I be wrapped around in a 9-yard saree and how to make it stay on me. Everybody was so confident that i would look terrible in it. Hari’s athai and amma came and started wrapping the saree around. They were done in 10 mins. I turned so reluctantly to look myself in the mirror. Voila!!!! It was so good on me. I really couldn’t believe my eyes. His athai said she didn’t see it fit anybody better than for me. Everybody said I was great. Then they started changing the jewels.

Amma had sneaked in the breakfast but I was in no mood to have it.

“I feel like nauseating whenever I see food amma. I’ll just have lime juice”

“I insist you have this breakfast now”

“I cant am telling you. Am supposed to be fasting till the muhurtham is over”

“Don’t teach me the rules. You can’t survive the ceremony if you don’t eat. It’ll take till 2pm to be over”

I reluctantly agreed to eat and amma gave me idly as jewels were being adorned. I would have had half of it, when everything came out. I started crying, which I usually do when I vomit, and threw a cold look at amma suggesting “I told you I cant”. Amma started scolding me left, right and middle, and the bickering between us was ended by appa whom I happened to see in my room only then, in the 2 days. He reconciled us, asking me to stop crying as its an evil omen and scolding amma that she shouldn’t be this rude to the kid who’s gonna get married.

I didn’t wanna miss the rare few mins I got with my appa in my room.

“How are you appa?”

“Am fine. Why do you ask that? You see me every minute”

“Do you really think so?”

“What happened?”

“You were such a dad, who used to relish your daughter, when she even changes her stud or does a different hairstyle. Its her wedding now. Did you notice what saree am wearing? Did you notice the jewels? Did you notice how pretty I am? I know you are busy but wouldn’t it be nice to see every pinch of your daughter, on the day you have been waiting for, for years since she was born? After 2 days, when you sit back and see my photos, you would ask amma “was she like this?” with a pricking pain. I wouldn’t be there beside you to share it with you.”

Just then, his name was called and he just gave a helpless look at me and a pat on my cheeks and hurried away. I was atleast glad that I managed to tell him I missed him so much.

Then they asked me to come to the dais and I was so excited as I had to sit on my appa’s lap. It was a great feeling. How I had longed to sit on his lap for years! Appa had never really allowed me to sit on his lap since I was what, 15, may be. Today, he had no choice! :)

It was an inexpressible feeling with the man of my life standing in front of me chanting the mantras, ready to take me away from the man who had meant the life for me. I was filled with an avalanche of emotions and managed to take in the word of the saastrigal that we shouldn’t allow anyone to touch us after thaali is tied until saptapati is over. There came the gettimelam, and there I was, Mrs. Iyer.

It took great efforts to safeguard ourselves from swarming people. Once saptapati was over, people were congratulating us and I got so many compliments and dhrishti removals from elders. :) Then the final event was “pori idudhal” during which the wife will be made to stand and do the ritual. But I don’t know if the saastrigal felt I was a kid beside Hari, he made me sit on his lap and do it. Our cheeks were reddening to the core, giving the audience a great reason to launch sheepish glances and comments for.

It was nice to see all the relatives. Thanks for coming Harish. You were my best friend since I was a teen and I thought you skipped my wedding, when you didn’t make it for the reception. But when I saw you on the wedding day, it struck me that you had always said you wanted to see how funny I am in madisaar on my marriage.

The main event was finally over and we went for lunch finally at 2pm. My family knew that am a strict no-no for feeding sweet to each other and posing for photo during lunch and so didn’t even attempt at it. The others kept asking us if we did it and Hari said we have done it to shut them up. Thanks to him, he also doesn’t like it.

I had time for chat with all the relatives after lunch. Then came the nalangu, also called nathanaar-vilaiyadal. I wasn’t at all interested in it, neither did Hari. But everyone else seemed to want it. Okay, jump on the bandwagon!!! We had to do all the stupid things like appalam breaking, thengai sandai, etc, etc. I only benefited a bleeding scratch on my finger from Hari’s nails during the games.

Everybody said that the marriage was grandeur. Thanks maama maami and chithi chithappa, without you guys, I cannot even imagine how the marriage would have happened this grand and peaceful. There are a lots and lots of your efforts and I owe you gratitude. Everybody was praising the food served during the 2 days. Thanks perippa, its you who pointed us to the caterer, he was awesome. Thanks jayama chithi, you helped dressing me up so well, without you I wouldnt have looked that great for sure. Thanks kalyaani athai, you were showering me with compliments, you were enjoying every reaction of mine, which really made me feel so special. Thanks sugu chithappa, I wonder what you do, you just drive away my headache in a jiffy with one touch of yours, its because of you I managed to stand in the reception. Thanks raja chithappa, without your heart-felt hug which spoke a lot during my departure, I wouldn’t have felt complete. Thanks namagiri athai and jaya athai, you guys would have broken knuckles by now, destroying my dhrishti. Thanks Ravi, you were the one who tirelessly supported appa in all the preparations, you were the right hand for him. Thanks Rajesh, you had crocin and juice ready in your hand whenever I yelled for them, and I was so moved to see you beside me after the muhurtham till the end of residual rituals, when everybody else vanished. Thanks Lalli and Sri, you were the manappen thozhis, although you never came and stood by me.

And a big, huge or whatever word is better, thanks to thaatha paatti. Thaatha, I don’t know if anyone other than you, in the age of more than 80, will have spirits and enthusiasm and love like you. You never sat sighing, and you were just spinning doing this and that, while I was half-dead during the second day. Paatti, its becoz of you I didn’t feel bad for the absence of ranga paatti, whose soul am sure would have been there with me every second during my marriage.

And finally, thanks to Hari’s relatives, you guys were so content and never showed the “maappillai aathu midukku”. It was so great of you all to have borne any mistake, if any, that happened unknowingly. One fault from your lips would have collapsed my appa. Thanks for having been very understanding.

It was finally the time to bid good-bye to everyone in my family. I was actually a little strong and didn’t cry in the beginning, as I had been away from my family for more than a year and a half. But then when the time came to board the car, tears came out of nowhere, as a sense of detachment from my family popped in. Everybody from athai to chithappa was crying and I could find my amma and appa.

Then paatti said they were back in the mandapam, shying away from the scene, as they wouldn’t bear seeing me go away. I noticed them standing far away inside the mandapam and asked them to come over. My amma’s eyes were red with tears and appa completely broke off on seeing me, crying hard as never.

After a while, I set off with my new family. The days after till my departure, were just bliss in my in-laws’. My mom-in-law wouldn’t even ask Hari if he needs coffee when he wakes up, a glass of milk would be ready for me when I get up. I am really not wishing for a typical maamiyaar and marumagal, who are always branded to be at loggerheads. I hope I manage to live up to their expectations to get this love and affection ever.

Am excited. Very excited. Counting the days has become counting the hours now. Am just 24 hours away from meeting my family. Am traveling to India in a couple of hours after a looooong gap of a year and a half. Here I am writing the blog from the SFO International airport. This is my first travel to home after coming to the USA. So the gifts for guys back home have got piled up in my baggages and I am glad am entitled to carry 70 lbs/bag.

Mom and dad say they cannot wait to see me. So am I. Me, being the only girl child for the entire family, I am expecting atleast 10 people to receive me at the Chennai airport. :-)
Its just gonna be a festival and I am gonna enjoy all the attention given. Mom had told me that she’s gonna prepare at least 3 dishes per day and my taste buds are so desperate to taste paruppu saadham with vandal rasam of mom, and yeah the urulai kizhangu fry and podimaas. Boyyy….I feel very nostalgic at the very thought of it. Mom has also ordered dad that its his responsibility to give me orange juice, tender coconut, dry fruits and cucumber daily. :-)

Excitement apart, am a lil scared coz my in-laws are going to meet me for the first time in person. Its pretty natural for any girl to have a cannot-be-explained feeling at this instance. Am not sure if they’ll like me or not when they see me. I have heard people say that am good at making first impression. It has worked out as far as my persona is concerned but am not sure if it’ll work when it comes to looks. I know my in-laws like me very much as a person and I hope looks shouldn’t matter. But still, I really pray they should like me coz its very easy to frame a dislike towards a person just by one very look at him/her. I have done that many a times. I really hope for the best and am sure they are going to like me.

Hari had come to drop me at the airport and a final hug from him as a bachelor was too much to resist tears and pulled the thought of meeting my family for my defense. Remember, I don’t like crying. May be he would have felt triumphant, had I shed some tears. :-)

On reaching there, I guess the first one hour would go in analyzing how and what I have become, how I have changed. Am sure to receive from mom the comment "whether or not my daughter is immune to diseases, she is for sure immune to gaining weight".

I’ll be reaching India at 1.30 early in the morning and I need to go for shopping after a few hours of dawn. I hope my jetlag wouldn’t be much of a hindrance. If it is too, I can’t do much about it, it is shopping and it is.

I am longing to go to my home and lay on my favorite sofa and watch tv. There’s no picturesque place than home. I need to go check what has happened to my rose plants. I need to go roaming in the neighborhood, where in I was considered the best girl. I might still be considered so, who knows. J I need to go meet my favorite tailor. I need to go to my favorite goddess in my favorite temple. I need to go the schools I studied, wherein the teachers, who taught me or not, remember me so well even today and tell my dad that I was their darling whenever he goes there for inspection. There are just too many favorites and very little time.

Okayyy…..preboarding for my flight starts now and am going with lots of expectations, emotions, desires, what not.

Am coming India!!!!

So You Think You can Dance has become one of my favourite shows. I have been watching it only since the last season, missed 2 of the seasons before.

People say Jodi No 1 has been copied from this show, but saying so is absolutely derogatory to this American show because the JN standards cannot even stand a few hundred miles away from the standards of this show.

I was/am a person who watched/is watching this JN’s every episode without missing but that doesn’t mean am a fan of it. The latest season of JN has the pairs who have already participated in the previous seasons, even the winners. Why is that? Why should the contestants be only the celebrities? If you run out of celebrities who dance and perform, will you bring on board the previous contenders? That’s insane. Go pick the talents from the streets and showcase them, damn it. I saw JN’s season 3 promo and I wasn’t able to get rid of the girl-who-stamped-shit reaction. What the heck was that. It really didn’t suit you rustic guys and gals. Do what suits you, you dumbos. I don’t blame you for wearing those modern outfits but why do you jacks have to bear that master-of-all look. The one that provokes me the most is Pooja. Why do you have to always munch chicklet and over-act for anything and everything lady? You give the impression of a w*ore I tell you. [This is for “those” who claim me to the biggest fan of JN and this para is to openly disapprove of it]. I’ll be really happy if “those” people brand me to be the fan of So You Think You Can Dance.

Now back to this amazing American show. The talents are being picked from the mass and the choreographers train these people every week for their performances. They dance in pairs initially and as the competition ripens, their solos become important too, and the winner will be one girl/boy and not a pair. And of course, based on America’s voting. Every week after the performances, one boy and one girl will get cut till the final count of contestants are arrived at for the finale. They bring all the styles of dancing and I was applauding when they brought a bollywood routine on stage. The couple who danced it was unbelievably hilarious, except for certain authentic bollywood moves which were made hip-hop and Russian. But that can be forgiven undoubtedly. This is what I can call versatility. Thanks to the choreographers Nakul and Mala.

Every contender’s specialization would be contemporary or hip-hop and it’s quite amazing to see them adapt other styles starting from disco, and samba to ball room and jazz. And there are certain choreographers who embed so much of creativity in the routines, so much of story in the steps. And the contestants certainly do justice to that creativity by bringing it out so well. [A comparison of this to JN season 1 romance round Prem-Pooja performance, which was admired to be creative, leaves me to say “you are fools” to JN’s judges]. The best among the creative choreographers was Mia Michaels. Every routine of hers is just mind blowing. She’s undoubtedly the reigning queen of contemporary. Another one whom I like is Tyce, whose routines will be different too. The styles are so tough and require lot of energy and the dancers can easily be fatigued.

The contestants try their best not to let the fall of energy bleed onto the skin of the dance floor [I pirated this comment from the choreographer Lil’C who judged a week. Man..is he a choreographer or a professor of literature!! I have become a great fan of his vocabulary and eloquence].

I have a lot of favorites amongst the contenders. The one I loved the most was Kherington. She’s a dazzling beauty of 18, from California. She is extremely pretty and there had been no routine, in which I hadn’t fallen for her expressions. Her smile is just breath-taking. She has got the structure to dance, she’s got legs, she’s got everything boy. I just love her. She’s good at dancing too. Give her any style of dancing-she’ll rule. Give her buck, give her krump, she just takes completely a different arrogant personality for those styles, as against the assumed softness on seeing her face.







Another favorite is Twitch. I don’t have anything to say other than that he’s so muscular and majestic and really good at dancing. Am sure he is the one who’s gonna get all the teens’ votes.

I was so happy to see Twitch and Kherington paired and I loved every routine of them. The buck number is the one which I loved the most.





Katee and Will are technically very very sound. Both of them haven’t received any negative comment till now from the judges. I had always felt that Katee and Will should compete in the finale. They are the ones who deserve the stage till the end.

Apart from all these, the host Cat Deeley is a stunning beauty. However crappy a dress you ask her to wear, she can carry it. And she really has a nice sense of humour.

This show has some awful things like the judge Nigel gesticulating with his abnormal maxilla and mandible and the judge Marie lets out a scream as a token of her appreciation which drives everybody deaf. But it surely takes you to an absolute utopia of dance, which you can set your expectations high upon.

Last week my fav Kherington was voted out of the competition to my anguish. It’s the luck which played. Otherwise, she wasn’t the worst at all among the lot. I’ll no more see her in the competition. Last season, there was a very handsome guy Pasha, my fav, who was voted out like this, despite not being the worst. But I got to see him again this season choreographing for a routine. I am hoping to see Kherington too in the forthcoming seasons. Miss you Kherington!!!

This week another shock was that Will was voted out. I couldn’t believe it. What’s happening America? Will was the most technically strongest and he’s chucked out. I wanted him in the finals :( He has great technique and lines and I am sure he’ll not be let unnoticed.

I have Katie and Twitch still in. I am really hoping that Katee should bag the title. Lets see.

A year of contractorship bundled with insecurity, longing, am-sorry-no-PTO-no-benefits look from Manager is all over.

I was forced to enter this “C” company as a contractor due to situations before a year. Though every Tom Dick and Harry does contracting in this country, I somehow felt I cant do it. I have heard that the contractors in most of the companies would be singled out for any happening in the company and the manager, if he wishes, can throw an offer of attending them. Most companies mask the contractors from the client they are working for and any transaction to/from the client has to go via an employee. This feel drove me insane and I wasn’t quite inclined to this. Whenever I had spoken about this with my friends, they said its just the same as you come onsite to the client’s place, being an employee of some company in India. I couldn’t agree to it. In my case, the company which sent me onsite was a big shot atleast in India and I didn’t have any feel of insecurity when I came onsite with the same contractor banner. But getting into some X consulting company based here and bearing a contractor banner was so difficult. Both weren’t the same at all for me. I know I may be marked to be obsessed with the brand names.

Luckily, this C company, or rather my team in the C company wasn’t the one which exhibit disparity between the contractors and employees. I never had the feeling that I was treated lowly, except for the facts that I wasn’t entitled to any benefits. The talks for converting me would start every now and then and would vanish without a trace. The reason given was budget, what else.

I couldn’t take this shit any more and I decided searching for opps elsewhere. I succeeded in getting offers from 2 companies and told this C company am resigning. A morning I told them am quitting, in the afternoon, they came back to me telling they’ll make me their employee, matching the other company’s offer and giving more benefits than the other. As I loved the C company and the work and its environment so much, I accepted their offer. The formalities happened in an unbelievable pace and they took just a day to complete them as against 15 days usually. The guy who verified my I9 asked me “there are so many follow-ups on your case. Are you the daughter of a big guy or something?”.
I just said “its all coz of one magic word – quit”.

My company issues different ID cards for contractors and employees. [Yeah, you can see “my company” in my sentence. When you are a contractor, you never get a sense of belonging to that company. When you are an employee, that feel automatically creeps in].
Contractors will be given a red card and employees green one. There are more contractors in my company, as it has accounts in almost every Indian company and there are so many people onsite bearing the red card. When I used to have the red card, people during conversation used to ask me through which company I have come onsite. Onsitees who were unknown to me, would give a look of you-are-just-like-me. I have yearned for the green badge. I know its kinda silly but that’s how I was.

Now when I walk with my green badge around, I see the awe, pining look on the contractors or atleast I feel that they have that look. :)

I have always stayed with onsitees and I have heard them speaking about some one like “shes marrying a full time employee of C”, giving the sentence a dignified tone. Now am happy that I am also in the list who are envied by a group of people.

I had a feel that I got to this position only after I said am going away. But my manager said “had you been given full time emp without you having said you are quitting, it would have been just a favor from the company to you and you wouldnt have been in a position to demand what you want. Now, you should be happy that every company is at the back of you and you know what your value is. And, you have done a favor to this company by not denying its offer”.

Those were “the words”.

People say that my company is so employee friendly to such an extent that it mollycoddles its employees. Lemme see.

Am happy about everything except for one thing. I am back to appraisals, which I was free from for a year. I have to start boasting pages after pages in about 3 months. :)

Wish me luck!

I am rickety for reason unknown from yesterday. I feel like rebelling against anything and everything. Even the simplest of things seems to annoy me. I feel like yelling and hitting someone. Why? I don’t know. I am trying to pull all the reasons that come in my mind and try to match it with my behavior but I don’t get the match quite correct. Is it because I am being given a hard time at work by a couple of people who are mulling over my defect for over a week, exchanging hundreds of emails? Is it because there are too many things in my check list to be taken care of and they are putting my peace of mind and confidence in jeopardy? Is it because am becoming very nostalgic of late? Is it because of the wound in my finger caused by a knife, which is so deeply cut to such an extent that it bled for 2 days every time I removed the band-aid to nurse it? They say when you have your physique aching, you turn hysteric. Or is it because work is a lil lazy for the past 2 weeks and am forced to seek things out of my way to engage myself? I really don’t know.

I am like this right from yesterday morning. I don’t even bother to smile at my roomie while getting ready in the morning. I go to office and I, known to be a non-stop nonsense, don’t speak quite well with the team.

When I had to go out of office yesterday afternoon, the weather joined its hands with whatever that’s bothering me. It was scorching hot and I felt as if the sun was piercing a straw into my head and was sucking the whole of me.

I got a sudden feel of longing for my grandma’s lap, and was wondering how it had the eternal cool warmth being a refuge to me helping me forget myself. I would forget all the worries and would catch immediate sleep unbothered on one touch of hers. I was brought back to the present by the honk of a car. I had to wait for my bus in the hell of the heat. I felt like changing into a bikini and plunging into a lake with none around and getting drugged by its comfort.

I got into the bus. I usually like traveling by any means for that matter, no matter how frequently and how long I travel. I enjoy every bit of traveling and I never get over-dosed by it. But this time, I was dragging myself to wherever I had to go. This bus travel was no fascinating and I traveled just coz I had to.

I closed my eyes and sat. I kept getting quirky thoughts, which made me myself feel if I have multiple personality disorder or something. I imagined myself masoning a house.
I saw Harry Potter laughing at me. Who am I? wow, I have now taken up the role of Hermione Granger. Then I saw myself in a classroom, attempting to do an orthographic projection in engineering drawing. Then I thought myself ushered to arm-wrestle with some unknown. Then I imagined myself as a member of Ku Klux Klan, which is the scariest of all my craps. That very thought jolted me back to mySelf. I know it will give an impression that am cooking a psycho out of myself. So I pulled my ipod out to put a bump ahead of my racing imagination horse.

I sunk in a beautiful song. The next song screeched aloud and tore my tympanum out fueling my already irritated mind, that I felt like dashing it against a wall. I felt the ipod is doing no good and so grabbed to my rescue, my habit of observing people. I chose this girl who, by her talks, seemed just graduated. She was preparing herself for the graduation day and was discussing with her friends about dressing. She was telling how shes gonna dress up and that she wants to be the best dressed girl in the party. I, when I had been normal, would have just uttered a smile within myself but this time, I just felt like yelling “you cocky biyatch” at her, to my shame.

I reached home to see my roomie there and bid a reluctant hi to her. I usually ask her about her problems with a concerned note but this time I completely disregarded her. she was saying that she needs to gift one of her friends and was asking me some suggestions and didn’t pay a damn. Sorry my girl – I turn unchivalrous at times. I sincerely apologize!

I sat to watch “So You think You can Dance” with no particular interest unlike usual. Where’s the girl who keeps amused and wowing for every performance? I don’t know.

I had a feel that I should speak with someone close to me. I had my close friends well within reach and I called one of them. I just did usual enquiries and hung up. Above everyone, I had Hari who is more than someone who could listen to me and who can comfort me beyond the ways I want. I called him up and was only able to say “I called you just like that”.

Am I a psychopath? Or am I detached? I don’t wanna consider am either coz I somehow feel everyone goes through such a state seldom without giving it much attention. It just seems a big deal to people, of course like me, who over-kill their brains magnifying even simple matters. Despite my idiotism, I feel am handling myself pretty good by remaining aloof from everything and everyone, giving myself the space to breathe and return to normalcy.

I thought blog is a place where I can vent everything out and it certainly helped. I would have made a fool out of myself though. But I don’t care!

பாலைவனமாய் இருந்தது பேருந்து நிறுத்தம்..
இருபது நிமிடங்களாக காத்திருக்கிறேன்
இன்னும் பத்து நிமிடங்கள் கரைக்க வேண்டியிருந்தது

பே ஏரியாவில் இந்தியர்கள் அதிகம் என்றார்களே
எங்கு பார்த்தாலும் வெள்ளையர்கள்
அதிலும் பெண்கள் மிகக் குறைவு

கண்கள் மூடி அமர்ந்திருந்த நான்
லேசாக இடப்பக்கம் திரும்பிப் பார்த்தேன்
தூரத்தில் ஒரு பெண் நடந்து வந்து கொண்டிருந்தாள்

நிச்சயம் இந்தியப்பெண்
வேறு யாருக்கு வரும் இந்த நளினம்
வெற்றாக இருந்த மனம் துரிதமானது
onsite வந்திருக்கும் software engineer ஆக இருப்பாளோ

இடப்பக்கம் நின்றாள்
எனக்கும் அவளுக்கும் பத்து அடி தூரம்
முகம் தெரியவில்லை
மிகச்சிறிய உடலமைப்பு
எளிமையான தோற்றம்

சிறிது முன்னால் நகர்ந்தேன்
முகம் தெரியும் என நினைத்து

வந்தாள் ஒரு வெள்ளைப்பெண் அவளை நோக்கி
இவள் அவள் பக்கம் திரும்பி பேச ஆரம்பித்தாள்
சே! உள்ளதும் போயிற்று என நினைக்கும்போது
இவள் அவளிடம் சைகையில் ஏதோ சொல்ல
அவள் நகர்ந்தாள்
இவள் அவளுக்கு வழி சொன்னாள் போல..

எனக்கு மறுபடியும் அவளது பாதி உருவம்
பேருந்து வரும் பாதையே பார்த்தாள்
ஏனடி என் பக்கம் திரும்ப மாட்டேன் என அடம்!

காற்று வேகமாக அடித்தது
என்னைக் கடந்து அவளை நோக்கி
அவள் கேசம் கலைத்து

அவள் முகத்தில் கேசம் விழுந்திருக்க வேண்டும்
என்னை நோக்கித் திரும்பினாள்
காற்றை எதிர்கொண்டு கேசம்-முகம் ஊடல் முறிக்க

எனை விட்டுச்சென்ற காற்றை நொந்துகொண்ட நான்
உடனே வாபஸ் வாங்கி, நன்றி கூறினேன்
காற்று எதிர் திசையில் சென்று
அவள் கண்களை என் திசையில் திருப்பியதற்காக!

அவள் முகம் நன்றாக தெரிந்தது - முழுக்க சாத்விகம்
கண்ணாடி இல்லாமல் இன்னும் லக்ஷனமாக இருப்பாள்.

கேசத்தை கோதிவிட்டு முதன் முறையாய் என்னை பார்த்தாள்!

அட! சட்டென திரும்பிவிட்டாளே!
என் கண்கள் அவள் கண்களை சந்தித்துக்கொண்டிருப்பது தெரிந்தும்
அவள் கண்டுகொள்ளவில்லையே!

ஒரு வெள்ளையனை பார்த்திருந்தால் புன்னகைத்திருப்பாள்
தெரியாதவர்களுக்கும் "hello how are you" கேட்கும் கலாசாரமாயிற்றே!
நான் இந்தியன் என்பதால் இந்திய கலாசாரம் அவளுள் புகுந்து விட்டதா?
ஒரு சிரிப்பு சிரித்தால் என்னவாம்.

அவள் ஒரு பேருந்தில் ஏற தயாரானாள்
தைரியத்தை துணைக்குக் கூப்பிட்டு
அவளிடம் சென்று "hello how are you" என்றேன்
அவள் "fine, thank you" என்றாள்

"are you waiting for bus?" என்றேன்
"என்ன அபத்தமான கேள்வி" என்று நினைத்துக் கொண்டிருக்கும்போதே
சொன்னாள் "No, I drove this bus and it broke down, waiting for mechanic" என்றாள்

அட! இவள் நக்கல் கூட அடிப்பாளா?
சிரித்தாள்
கையிலிருந்த தாள் பார்த்து "நீங்க தமிழா" என்றாள்

நான் ஆச்சரியத்தில் "ஓ! நீங்களும் தமிழா" என்று வழிந்தேன்
"பஸ் வந்தாச்சு. பை" சொல்லிப் பறந்தாள்

நான் இதை எழுதிக்கொண்டு அவள் ஏறிய பஸ்ஸில் தான்
நானும் ஏற வேண்டும் என்பதை மறந்தேன்

மறுபடியும் பாலைவனத்தில் 30 நிமிடங்கள்....

I was pushed to the state of insecurity last month. I did whatever I could to break that insecurity and I smelt success too. Now am pushed to the state of keeping my fingers crossed for something good to happen, something which I really want. And am hoping that I will be pushed to the state of ambivalence next week, of course for good, unable to decide what to go for. I already have two possessions which are pretty good themselves, yet unable to convince myself to go for either of them. Mind still yearns for something better. Call it greed or discontent or whatever. Though mind craves for the third one, I am not willing to desert the two existing ones. I don’t want to desert one coz I love it so much and feel it’s the best fit in all aspects. I don’t want to desert the other despite it having some minuses coz it came back to me though I had already deserted it once and so am now under the clench of courteousness. I certainly cannot have both. I just brush both these aside, though both of them like me so much and they want me desperately and I keep looking for the third one, which is really turning me on and off, making me wait for long. It once gives an impression that its going to be mine and wipes that thought off the next jiffy making me think I have lost it. I have done everything in my ability to own it and now its upto it to choose whom it should go to. I cannot hold the other two on for long and I have to choose one fast. Am afraid the two would leave me if I keep mum not telling them anything. I cannot tell one of them yes right now – what if the third comes back to me tomorrow? I cannot tell no too – what if the third deserts me – scared to think being void without any of them. There’s a parallel nag. Its just my thought that the third one is the best. But what if I get the third one finally and it turns out to be just as equal as the other two? All my wait for it would go in vain then, I’ll not be loosing anything though. I shall still say a yes to the one which am comfortable with and be happy. Overall, it’s a win-win for me I feel. But the knack lies in me arriving at a decision at the right time.

Wish me prudence !!!!