Aham Vyaktam

She got his tamilmatrimony profile that morning. His very name was her favorite and she was so impressed by his choice of the words to describe himself. That’s all a girl can have at that initial stage to conclude if she likes a guy, isn’t it? She called her dad and said that she liked him. Her dad proceeded on to the usual horoscopic matches and asked her to wait till he got back to her. The same happened on the guy’s side too. Then they got calls saying that the major 5 matches are fine with their horoscopes. So they thought they would start talking and that’s how it all started. They were both conveniently in the same time zone in the US and they needn’t had to worry about disturbing the other at odd hours. They started off with emails. She liked his quirkiness and openness and he liked her childishness and the sincerity in her responses. He was looking for a family loving girl who’s confident and career involved and there she was. She was looking for a guy who’s better than her in everything and there he was. The next step was phone calls. They started talking to each other every day. The call would start at 9 at night and would go on till 12 midnight, though both of them kept saying that they were not phone persons.

They liked each other very much even before meeting. Just after a week, when they thought they would take it to the next level, they received calls from their parents saying that 5 matches aren’t enough and that they were looking for a minimum of 7. It made no sense to him and her. He didn’t believe in horoscopes much and for her, though she had a little belief, she always chose her will/desire over horoscope/astrology. For a moment, they considered going back to their parents and telling them that they wanna go to the next level. But both weren’t confident enough to do that since they barely knew each other for a week. She knew that its all her word that matters and making dad nod a “yes” is no problem for her, but she wasn’t ready yet. So they decided to drop this matrimony talk and bid a bye.

Two days would have gone by. The third day, they thought “why cant we be just friends?” And then they started talking to each other again, though the 3 hour calls became 3 min calls. One day he said he wanted to meet her. He was in San Francisco and she was in Los Angeles. She felt so hesitant to meet him as they had already decided that the relationship wasn’t going to go anywhere. But she so wanted to meet him. And he drove all the way from SF to LA just to meet her as a friend :-) When they met, it was as if someone snatched all the words from their lips and lost them. They didn’t know where to start and what to do. He opened his arms wide to hug her but she said “I am sorry I don’t hug”. He smiled “okayyyy”. His smile was as if he knew that she would have hugged atleast 10 guys by then, as hugs are formal here and that she was deliberately denying his hug. He said “you look really slim, almost like a kid beside me”. She said “you are not as huge as you portrayed yourself to be”. Then they became more comfortable.

After a month, he said he was coming to LA to meet his friend and told her that he would come and meet her too before he leaves. She didn’t want to meet him but she also couldn’t wait to see him. That was their second meeting. He said he would feel really bad if he is not meeting her, having come all the way to LA. She felt “God, why is he doing this” but she couldn’t keep from enjoying his attention.

She had to appear for an interview in San Jose (40 mins from SF) and told him that she’ll be there for the weekend. He had planned to go to ARR’s concert that weekend with one of his friends. When she told him of her plans, he immediately ditched his friend and asked her to come with him to the concert. She felt bad about ditching his friend but felt really happy that he chose her over someone else.

Then, she got that job in San Jose. She wanted to believe that it was fate that’s bringing them closer but she chose to believe that all the tech companies are in the Bay Area. She was glad that she was atleast 40 mins away from him but at the same time, the distance killed her.

He started calling her every night before bed. She hated to see his call. She just wanted to switch her mobile off to avoid him. But she was the same person who made his life hell when he missed to call her one day. Once when she had picked up a fight with him which went on till 12 midnight, she got a call at 2 AM in the night asking her to open her window and look out. There he was waiting for her in the blinding fog, with a bouquet of roses in his hand mouthing “I’m sorry”. She ran outside “Are you crazy? Why are you doing this?”. He just said “I couldn’t sleep after the fight”. She just stood there dumb struck. He was making it so hard for her to curb herself from falling for him.

He met her every weekend. He took her to shopping, to movies, to sight seeing. She didn’t want to hang out with him but she always had a sullen face when he dropped her back home. She wanted to be in her most crappy outfit possible while meeting him but she always ended up wearing the best that was there in her closet. She always prayed that he shouldn’t admire her or compliment her, but there he was all smiling, always with a readymade “wow, u look wonderful”. With any other guy, she would have felt “Okay boy, can you keep the flirting profile a lil low”, but with him, she felt she was over the moon every time she was admired. This was because, his compliment would sometimes be followed by something that would make the compliment a joke and she liked it because it made him look so dignified, not making him look like some big time drooler. She hated if a guy is too bent over a girl and there he was just as she wished, with his noble majesty, just meant for a guy. She just couldn’t compare him with any guy she had met in the past. He was miles apart.

She would have spat on anyone who would have called her kutti but every time he called her so, she could relate him to her father. They say if you can see at least half of your dad in a guy, then he’s the one for you. It had all seemed bullshit to her once, until she met him. He kept her too many nick names she even lost track of. And she was getting drawn to him every time he called her kutti.

One day, she heard him talking over the phone with some relative of his, about a girl, who was probably an alliance his parents had seen for him. She didn’t want to talk about it, but she didn’t know if it was jealousy or the fear of loosing him, she enquired him about the girl. He said he’s talking to this girl in India whom her parents had introduced to him and he said he’s just doing the initial talk with her. She just immediately wanted to run and hide somewhere he can never find her. He asked “what happened”. She was about to say “I just said no to a guy this morning when I was talking with my dad” but she felt that’s too much of brusqueness on her ego and all that came out was “nothing”. She thought she saw him chuckle for a moment or may be she was just too desperate to see him twittingly chuckle. So it seemed to her that he was moving on.

One Saturday, he kept driving through a route that was so unfamiliar for her. She asked him where he was taking her. He just said “wait for a while”. She didn’t know if it was fear or excitement that was mounting in her then. Finally after a long drive, he stopped before a tree house which was so absolutely stunning amidst a forest and it had the view of the beach from there. The small house was so wonderfully romantic. She looked at him with eyes full of questions. He just replied “I just thought you would like it”. She felt “Like it? What is he talking about? I love it”. He was just so perfect for her. She felt as if she had in her hand what she wanted the most, but still cannot have it. She was too confused to take a bold step and go to her dad and tell him he’s what she wanted. She was literally torn between her desire and confusion. That’s when something made her blurt out “I think you are the one for me”. He immediately said “Then, lets get it done”. She didn’t know what was happening “what?”. He then asked “Will you marry me?” Tears welled up her eyes and she managed to say “yes”.

She called her father and told him this is the guy she wanted to be with. Dad was a little hesitant but to him all that mattered was his princess’s wish. He talked to his parents and they gave a green signal, of course with a little fear of the unknown.

She managed to somehow get the words “am glad I said okay to her” from her in-laws and he managed to get “I would have never found a guy better than him for my child” from his in-laws.

All was well in the end and a year has gone by for them, as husband and wife. She always found fatherly affection in him and he always treated her as his kid. They just bought a house and how many couples receive a dream house as a gift to each other for their first anniversary? It happened for them :-)
How many girls get a husband who draws her portrait himself and gifts it to her? How many girls get a husband who gets her a bouquet every now and then? How many girls get a husband who keeps her nick names almost everyday? How many girls get a husband who adores her and clicks her pictures every now and then?
The past 1 year had been incredibly wonderful for them and they are hoping that they will be able to carry the same perpetual love to the many many years to come.

Isn’t the street name very majestic?

We are proud home owners now. Some said that it took them 2 years to get a house they liked, some advised it’ll take at least a year. But it took us only 4 months to find this gorgeous dazzling lovely home. Should we owe it to my twice-daily Sri Suktam chants and our temple visits or to the boundless efforts we put in searching for homes, attending open houses almost every weekend or to our great realtor who luckily happened to be professional pals with the seller’s agent of this house? I think its all the three.

There was a point at the end of just 2 months of search when we got really frustrated but we kept going, no matter what discouraged us. There was always something I didn’t like in whatever house Hari liked and vice-versa. Then we came across this gorgeous home, within less than a mile from the apartment we were staying in. Kudos to our realtor, he gave us a private sneak peek of the house even before it was open in the market. This sneak was so important because we had already been frustrated by the multiple offer wars that happened on any house in the market, to such an extent that Hari usually started with “has the blood bath begun already?” whenever he talked to any seller’s agent LOL.

So back to the private peek. The moment we parked in front of the house, the first thing that came out of our lips was “wow”. The house was so tall that the roof wasn’t visible at all, even if you stand a few feet from the house and look at it. The double door was another turn-on for both of us. Once we went in, the first level with the living room, family room and a spacious kitchen was so stunning. Kitchen was a major tick mark with all the cabinet space, breakfast nook and granite countertops and as if they are not enough, the remote-operable sun roof. The house had 4 bedrooms which was another tick mark as Hari was yearning for an office room. The master bedroom had just the space we were looking for and the pool (though it was not in our best interests) was beautiful and as a cherry on its top, was the spa. What more can you expect from a house?

When we came out of the house, both of us had a “I can see myself living in this house” sort of satisfied look, which we never got in any of the previous houses.
Then we put in our very first offer for the house and the game began. When we lost hope after a week and started looking for other houses, we got a call saying that our offer was accepted. This was victory, our very first offer for a house has been accepted. The escrow went on and on with a few issues here and there and all was well at the end.

On Aug 20th, we signed the docs and the key was ours. It was an inexpressible feeling to set our foot in our own place. We were so proud that we have a roof of our own.

Aug 26th was the Grihapravesham. We had moved our stuff before that and we had spent a whole weekend setting things up. We had hired a priest for Grihapravesham. I had to put maakolam(manaikolam) for the occasion. I had no clue how to prepare the kola maavu even, let alone drawing the kolam. Thanks to the internet, I somehow managed to do it and the next day, when Hari’s relatives came to our home, their eyes popped out on seeing the kolam. They all showered me with appreciations for the kolam.

The function was a grandeur and everyone was so happy. All our relatives, especially Hari’s athimber was admiring me left, right and middle, saying that I did everything single-handedly, without seeking any help from any of them, at this young age :-)

My mom was so worried about me knowing nothing, during my wedding. Now, on seeing how I managed a function and on hearing how much am being admired, she feels really relieved.

All our relatives loved the house. We had placed a lot of flowers in vases and the highlight was a small fountain on the breakfast nook. Everyone was so happy to see a plantain tree in the backyard and it bore a hanging cluster of flower/raw bananas, which they said is an auspicious sign. And only on that day, we came to know that there was a rose hibiscus plant in the backyard. Hari’s athai was so overjoyed. She plucked some flowers and we placed them on the idols for the occasion. We were so happy to see those, when we cannot see even houses in India with hibiscus plants any more.

The function wouldn’t have been such a breeze without my ever-supporting amazing husband. God knows how many boxes he lifted. I was at a point so worried that I would loose my chubby husband for a lean one :-)

The neighborhood seems to be pretty good. The very first day when we went there, we were greeted by a neighbor’s kid Cameron. He shook our hands and said “Hello, welcome neighbors” and introduced himself and told us which home he lives in. It just took us by surprise. We felt so welcoming. We met another kid Jason and they took our permission before coming in to our house to look around. Its amazing how courteous they are. Another neighbor, a couple, greeted us the first day and was so friendly. The next day, they knocked on our door and gave us a bouquet of flowers from their backyard and invited us to their home for tea. Such is our neighborhood.

We have been living in our house for a week now. We are still trying to figure out which remote is for what, which switch is for which light and which key is for what lock.

It feels so pleasant to be in the house. We are able to sleep so well in the night. It’s a very happy house. And we look forward to seeing many many happy occasions in 1160 Gilbert Ct.

There were days when the people who have physical disability were called “physically disabled” or “handicapped”. Those words, in addition to being indecorous, instilled in us an unwanted (probably undesirable by those people) sympathy towards such people.

Then there came a more dignifying term “physically challenged”.

Lately, I heard somewhere someone calling them “differently able” which was so interesting.

“Differently able” is the most solicitous one I have ever heard and am gonna start using it hereafter to address differently able people. This word is capable of removing the unwanted sympathy and can make us feel they are normal or in a way, special.

Today is the first day in the last 10 days that I woke up with a temperature of 97.9. I was running a temperature of 103 and this has been the longest and fiercest fever I ever had. I was stuck sick at home for 10 days, no work and no cooking at home. Everyday I woke up with fever and cried to Hari telling that am gonna die. Now if I come to think of it, I really am ashamed :-)

Hari didn’t go to office coz of me and I cannot credit him enough for how he took care of me. It was surprising that the doctors never gave any medicine for me, despite diagnosing that I have viral fever. They kept asking me to take Tylenol every 4 hours and drink lots of fluid till the fever goes away. How will the fever go off with just Tylenol, I mean, how will the virus get killed by just Tylenol? I could never understand. The doctors said its unethical to give injection or antibiotic for a viral fever and I just have to live with it till its gone. Had it been India, the doc would have given an injection and atleast 3 antibiotics the first day you go to him, and some doctors will be so generous to hospitalize you even if you run only 99 degrees LOL. Having seen all that, the so called medical ethics here was so surprising and funny for me. Not a day passed without cursing them, no matter they don’t prescribe antibiotics for our own good.

Whenever I get ill, I have this habit of doing a bit of a self-diagnosis. This is what I did when my lymph nodes protruded after fever, before 2 years. A generous doctor who was so much in love with me (knowing that I can get all my expense reimbursed) wanted to retain me in the hospital for atleast 10 days saying that the lymph nodes could be due to tuberculosis or cancer and asked me to undergo a biopsy. I had to fight with her to get discharged telling her that I don’t have any of those crap and its just reactive lymph node for the viral fever I had. And my diagnosis was definitely correct. The lymph nodes went away once I recovered from fever. I can give many such instances for my successful self-diagnosis. I had discovered I had typhoid, jaundice, etc, in the past. So I have been pretty confident of my medical knowledge. But it turned into over confidence when I thought I had typhoid when I fell ill during my wedding. Well, I had the same symptoms and even the blood test result came back positive for Salmonella Typhi. So a doctor treated me for it. I came to know that the self-diagnosis was an over-kill when another doctor said its just viral and the blood test will show positive for typhi if I have had typhi before :-( Everyone was scolding me left, right and middle for doing a doctor’s job. Well, will 2 years of Biology in the 11th and 12th grade not make me half a doctor? Hehehehe

I get so paranoid when I have persistent fevers and I come up with some dreadful disease linking the symptoms. I came up with AIDS before 2 years when I lost 5 pounds in 3 days (god knows if the weighing machine was faulty) and my WBC dropped by 2000. I came up with cholera when I had nausea and diarrhea. Do you know what I came up with this time? Cancer :-)
These things are not very impressive to be written about one’s self, are they? Hmmm…that’s fine. Those of you who have/have had crush on me, thinking that am meticulous, ingenious, etc, etc can rest assured that you haven’t missed someone great in your life LOL.

Anyways, the fever phase is finally over or so I think. Am gonna get a huge email from Prasath anna about hope and confidence and a huge lecture from Hari, for this one pessimistic phrase of mine “or so I think” :-)

Am glad am out of a 10-day long fever and have to start eating apples and dry fruits to regain strength. And more importantly I should try not to self-diagnose and try not to be over scared or atleast not to be overtly scared :-)

Prasath anna. The first guy who became very close to me.
I was 14. My mom said a new family was coming to inhabit the opposite house. She also said that there is a guy in their family who was onto his 11th grade. During those days, whenever I heard someone talk about school going guys/girls, the first thing I used to wonder was “will he/she study well”, myself being so obsessed about securing the first rank during my schooling. So I had already started contemplating about that guy’s studies even before I met him.

There was a 6 year old girl, neighbor, who was my pet. One day when I was coming back home from a temple, she came running to me and pointing to a guy in our opposite house, she said “anna asked what grade you are in”. I looked at that guy and was thinking if this was the guy I was contemplating about. But he seemed too elderly for a 11th grader. I just gave a smile, and he said “hope you’ll not mistake me for asking about you to that kid”. I said “I am in the 9th grade. You?” He said “Am done with degrees and awaiting a job”. So he must be the guy’s elder brother, I was thinking. After sharing our names, we parted. That’s how Babu anna started saying a hi to me everytime he saw me and have also given me suggestions to study.

The next person who became dear to me was the guy’s mother. Maami was an impressive person and she mingled with me and my mom in a jiffy. She used to talk to me as if I was her daughter. She once called me to her house to give me some pudding she had prepared. That was the first time I saw that guy. He was sitting on the sofa, perpendicular to how we should sit on a sofa, with legs on the hand rest, watching tv (I think I absorbed my weird positions on sofa from him). When I went in, maami said it was Prasath. He turned and gave me a look and when I was about to utter a smile, he turned away back to the tv again. I was like “okayyyy”. That’s how I first met that guy. Not a pleasant first impression, you might have judged :-)

I was in 10th grade and Babu anna had been to Hyd and had bought me studs and bangles. I went to his home to get them and saw Prasath anna in his room. Maami said he likes Tamil and had scored well in Tamil too and so asked me to get suggestions from him on how to study (My school had secured more state ranks in language papers and I was expected by my teachers to grab one in 10th). He just gave me a smile and I left. I never talked to him.

My 10th exams got over and my results came back as 90% with pathetic scores in languages. I definitely had done super well, and it was a terrible blow. I cried for 3 days and maami, after consoling me for about an hour, took me to her house to watch tv for a change. Prasath anna was watching tv (as always) and even after seeing me crying, he didn’t ask me anything.

Then I joined a new school for 11th grade which was far from home. I had to take 2 buses. Maami said I can go with Prasath anna for half of my travel, as he takes buses too. Thats how I started speaking with Prasath anna. We used to walk to together to the bus stop and board the same bus and take different 2nd buses. He would get ready very soon and I would skip breakfast for not making him wait. He would never speak much during our walk and after getting off the bus, he would just walk to catch his 2nd bus and wouldn’t even care to look what happened to me. I have thought “what sort of a guy wouldn’t even say a bye” :-)

It was difficult for me to go by buses. So dad arranged for school van. And the small talks which we had also vanished.

And one fine evening, when I was sitting in my house doorstep and studying, I saw Prasath anna come out and stand in his doorstep. He just looked at me and gave a smile. I returned the smile and continued studying. Then he came to my doorstep and said a hi and enquired what I was studying. That’s how our friendship started.

He used to come to my doorstep almost daily and we used to talk for hours. Mom would call him inside but he would be persistent on standing out beside the gutter in the mosquito world. We always had something to talk and never ran out of topics. We would enter a squabble when it came to Tamil. He would say its nonsense to choose Sanskrit as my second language just coz I lost marks in Tamil in my previous grade and that Tamil is so much fun to learn. I would say I didn’t wanna shed sweat in studying for language papers and that Sanskrit was the easiest. He used to say some of the Tamil poems he studied in his 10th grade and I used to recite with him, as I was once a Tamil lover.

The major controversy that went on between us was our ages. He would say that he’s younger to me and I wouldn’t admit and kept calling him anna. Finally he admitted that I was younger, after having me explaining what I had to explain. Lets not get into that anyways :-)

Once when I got down from my school van, one of my school mates, on seeing Prasath anna smiling at me, asked me “whos that prince charming?” I told her “he’s Prasath anna” She said “So bad you call him anna” :-) This is how my school mates used to drool over Prasath anna. And that particular school mate of mine, when she met me before 2 years, remembered to ask me how prince charming is :-)
And, the rowdy guys in our street, on seeing me and anna speak, used to ask me “will you speak only to refined guys like him? Not with us?” I would tell them “I call him anna. If you allow me to call you anna, I shall speak with you too” LOL

Those were excellent 2 years. We became so close and I came to know that Prasath anna was nothing I had framed him to be. He was such a pleasant boy, so genuine and so decent. We had never been anywhere together, all we knew was my house doorstep.

Then one day, he came and told me that they are relocating to Chennai. I felt really bad to loose a friend but he seemed pretty strong and never seemed to feel for parting. He never had been expressive of his feelings and I felt its so typical of him to coolly bid a bye and move on. On a Sunday morning, the entire family left and he had come to my home to say goodbye. I was so much in sleep that I couldn’t even see him properly. Once I got up, I cried telling mom that I didn’t even get a last glimpse of him.

We did contact each other after him having gone to Chennai but its never the same as being opposite to each other, is it? Once when I spoke with him, he said he hasn’t befriended anyone there in Chennai, after me. I was in a way happy to hear that :-)
I used to remember his birthday and wish him every year. He says its my call that reminds him of his birthday :-)
And, then coz of distance and my studies in 12th, slowly, we lost touch with each other. Then after landing in a job in Bangalore, I thought of calling him and ransacked my diaries and found his number. Quite unsure if the number still exists, I gave a call and he was there. This time the contact was very short lived and we lost touch again. I lost his phone number and emailid. There was no way for me contact him.

Three weeks back, it struck me to look him up in orkut. And thanks to orkut, I found him. That day, we would have chatted for more than 4 hours. I was able to sense a lot of difference in him. He has become so expressive. It was quite surprising to hear from him how much he had missed me. The Prasath anna I knew would never have said that. I was so happy to see him in a commendable position in his job. He forwarded me his photos and he was nothing like the lean boy who was in my doorstep a decade ago. He had put on weight and had gained so much maturity. I also spoke with maami and I was so happy to hear her speak like how she did a decade ago.

They are living just opposite to the mandapam wherein my wedding happened. If only I had looked him up in orkut 7 months ago, I would have definitely met him on my wedding.

He was very happy to see me established to this extent and he openly appreciated me, which was so not him. He said I look great on seeing my pics but also said that he likes the BVB girl (BVB was my school) with sodabutti better. Many of my friends say that I have changed a lot and I look great now but only Prasath anna said he liked the old naïve simple chirpy girl better. Only the best of best friends can cherish you, however you are, isn’t it?

He said that he makes sure he walks in that street where we lived, whenever he visits that town and seeing those 2 houses of ours brings him so many memories.
There was so much innocence in our minds and all we had to worry about was studies. Those days are never gonna come back. And the friends we made in that age are the ones who'll always remain close to us.

Am glad am back in touch with him and I hope I’ll not loose him again. He had meant a lot to me, may be coz he was my first best friend.

I had admired you a lot anna, and I always will!

Why is everyone with their jackets on? Its 80 outside. Probably they got so much used to jackets for the past several months and wearing them has become so much like wearing shoes. Even though wearing jacket is involuntary, wouldn’t they feel hot once they are out in the street? Wouldn’t the discomfort force them to remove the jacket? I don’t know. May be they are too much engrossed in their jobs that they even forgot about the summer. Or may be they don’t feel 80 is too hot to remove the jacket. If it’s the latter, then its very surprising. It was even more surprising when I saw someone with a trench coat on. At first I thought they were heading towards SFO, which will be 10 degrees less than San Jose, but no, they were heading towards San Jose with me. OOhhh!!

Foreman and 13 knock the door of Kutner. As they get no response, they go in looking around the house. Suddenly 13 runs to a room [only a hand in a pool of blood is visible], followed by Foreman. After a few seconds, 13 pants hard crying and leans against the bed nearby with blood all over her lips (she had tried CPR), saying it’s a shot on the temple.

And in the next scene they say Kutner is dead.

I was going “Whattttttttttt”. It was an incredible scene in House M.D and it took me a few minutes to actually believe Kutner is gone. He was my favorite in House’s team (of course, next to Gregory House), mainly because he was an Indian, a smart good-looking one. Why the hell did the director kill Dr. Kutner?

The news says Kal Penn has been offered a job at the White House and himself, more interested in politics, chose that over acting. House M.D will never be the same for me without Kutner. The obituary in fox website for Kutner was so cool. It was amazing to see a character being given such an importance :-)

Fox had displayed eulogies by Kutner’s colleagues and Gregory House’s page was blank. Hari said it was so like House. House is such an a-hole. If ever I hate and at the same time love someone, then its House.

I’ll miss you Dr. Kutner.