Aham Vyaktam

I was pushed to the state of insecurity last month. I did whatever I could to break that insecurity and I smelt success too. Now am pushed to the state of keeping my fingers crossed for something good to happen, something which I really want. And am hoping that I will be pushed to the state of ambivalence next week, of course for good, unable to decide what to go for. I already have two possessions which are pretty good themselves, yet unable to convince myself to go for either of them. Mind still yearns for something better. Call it greed or discontent or whatever. Though mind craves for the third one, I am not willing to desert the two existing ones. I don’t want to desert one coz I love it so much and feel it’s the best fit in all aspects. I don’t want to desert the other despite it having some minuses coz it came back to me though I had already deserted it once and so am now under the clench of courteousness. I certainly cannot have both. I just brush both these aside, though both of them like me so much and they want me desperately and I keep looking for the third one, which is really turning me on and off, making me wait for long. It once gives an impression that its going to be mine and wipes that thought off the next jiffy making me think I have lost it. I have done everything in my ability to own it and now its upto it to choose whom it should go to. I cannot hold the other two on for long and I have to choose one fast. Am afraid the two would leave me if I keep mum not telling them anything. I cannot tell one of them yes right now – what if the third comes back to me tomorrow? I cannot tell no too – what if the third deserts me – scared to think being void without any of them. There’s a parallel nag. Its just my thought that the third one is the best. But what if I get the third one finally and it turns out to be just as equal as the other two? All my wait for it would go in vain then, I’ll not be loosing anything though. I shall still say a yes to the one which am comfortable with and be happy. Overall, it’s a win-win for me I feel. But the knack lies in me arriving at a decision at the right time.

Wish me prudence !!!!